By Mordechai Schmutter
Costco is awesome. My wife sent me to Costco today because we were low on tuna. Now we’re high on tuna.
I also came home with eight items she didn’t ask for. But no one buys just one or two items at Costco. There isn’t even a checkout lane for people like that.
Costco is an international chain of stores that became successful by latching onto customer trends, such as the customer trend of eating a lot. Basically, they noticed that we were all fat, so they said, “Well, they’re going to need bigger portions. And plenty of room to get by each other.”
The store is huge. It’s like someone decided to sell food out of an airplane hangar, but cheaper than the airports sell it for. And definitely in bigger portions. Airlines give you six pretzels. You know how many pretzels come in a Costco barrel?
Neither does anyone else. No one’s ever finished them.
And they sell it all for discount prices!
At least we think they’re discount prices. It’s hard to do the math when you’re buying 800 feet of Saran wrap.
“Um, is $75 a good price for potatoes?”
“I don’t know. But look how many potatoes!”
And it’s not just about the price. Costco is a great place to go shopping if you have a big family, because that way you can come home and honk your horn, and everyone will run out and lug things in. There’s no way you can get everything into the house if you live alone. You’d have to take the day off.
And that’s the best thing about Costco. It’s a good store to buy things in bulk, so that you don’t have to come back so frequently. It’s great! My wife goes every week.
Also, some of the items that you buy are basically a lifetime supply. I can’t resist the idea of never having to shop for olives again, because that is a thing that’s been weighing me down all these years.
And not to mention the huge containers of spices. You’re going to pass on some day, and your kids are going to fight over who gets it.
“You take the three pounds of curry powder!”
“I don’t want the three pounds of curry powder! I already took the six gallons of corn!”
“Well, I took the 100-pound bag of rice!”
I don’t know that I want a 100-pound bag of rice. What if it develops a hole? What do I have to put all that rice in to save it? Do I have to buy those big plastic boxes that you use to store things in the attic? It’s a lot of eggs to be putting in one basket. Speaking of which, I don’t know that I want to buy five dozen eggs in one container either. Or 180 ounces of floor cleaner. If that spills, the neighbors and I are going to have to move.
And what about the 28-pound bucket of laundry detergent? You tell your husband to do laundry once, he’s going to pour in the whole thing. There won’t even be room for clothes.
Yes, there are some things that you need to buy in bulk. Like big rolls of paper towel, in case you spill a giant bottle of something. And even if you don’t, that’s how much your kids need when they spill anything. Even if they’re just cleaning up spilled water, they don’t want to actually feel the water through the paper towel. (“That’s disgusting. It’s water!”) Also, I have one kid who grabs one end of the roll and walks into the dining room without bothering to rip it. I’ve actually come downstairs in the morning to find paper towels in the garbage attached to other paper towels that were still connected to the dispenser across the room.
I also understand the big bottles of Advil.
And Costco is also a great place to buy paper goods for yomtov. For example, they sell cases of 500 forks, 500 spoons, and 500 knives. Who’s using as many knives as they are spoons?
But 200 cans of Coke? Making that much of a commitment to soda makes me feel worse about drinking it.
It’s definitely not a store for people who are afraid of commitment. You’re going to be married to the same bottle of vinegar for the rest of your life. Personally, I don’t sell vinegar before Pesach, so I’m in a mad rush to finish it. I’m using it to scrub walls, unclog drains, and make volcanoes. “How do we still have three-quarters of a bottle? Why aren’t we eating more salad dressing?”
Maybe you’re supposed to go in with a group.
“Three hundred envelopes? I need one. I mostly e-mail. Anyone else need envelopes?”
“What am I going to do with all these envelopes? Start a tzedakah?”
And they also carry some pretty strange products. For example, I saw a bag of dog food the size of a couch cushion. It says, “For healthy weight dogs.” The bag itself weighed more than most dogs. What’s “healthy weight”? It sounds like something you put on a shidduch résumé.
Also, I know it’s not kosher, but did you know they sell a whole frozen lamb? You can strap it into the second kiddie seat, right next to your child. Create some memories.
And the carts are huge. You can get a cart with a bottom shelf and room for two kids side by side, or you can just be honest and get the flatbed. Either way, you get a lot of exercise. To push your cart, you really have to lean into it. Everyone’s walking at a 45-degree angle. This is why they have to make the store so roomy.
But all that exercise helps take your mind off the question “Where am I going to put this in my house? Oh, they sell sheds.”
Because otherwise these things end up as furniture around the house. You just leave it in the living room and have people sit on it.
“Here. Sit on the bag of rice.”
Or you take apart the case and put the individual units in a series of cabinets so that people open your cabinets and comically see a hundred of the same thing. Like, “Boy! You’re really into beans!”
There are also no shopping bags, because no bag in the world will fit more than one of these items. So if you ask, they send you to a huge pile of three-sided boxes. Where are the other three sides? Are you trying to pass off each box as two? Also, half the boxes are sticky.
And then you have to get out. Security’s pretty tight. They don’t let you in unless you show your membership card, and then on the way out, they look over your receipt. Are people shoplifting from Costco? How?
“Sir? Is that a 30-gallon drum of oil under your shirt?”
“What? No, I came with that.”
Officially, they call it a “price club,” like you’re part of some secret club, but it’s not really a secret if people are walking out carrying items that are larger than their shopping carts. And no bags. They kind of ruined the secret when they decided to sell cases of toilet paper that you have to tie to the top of your van.
But they don’t let you in without a membership card, although absolutely anyone can get one. So long as they can somehow make it into the store, past security, and to the membership desk without a card. (I’m not sure how I did that. I think my wife snuck me in.) You pay like $60 a year just so you can see what they have in the store. That alone is an experience.
But you need to be a member. I’m pretty sure it’s a legal thing. Maybe in your contract there’s a legal disclaimer about how if you die from eating an entire tub of mayonnaise because it won’t fit in your fridge, they’re not held responsible. Nor will they take back your curry powder.
I think maybe they’re trying to kill their members so they can take on new members.
But my point is that I’m not actually sure why there’s such heavy security. Everyone there has a family. There are no creepy loners getting a membership just so they can buy 100 pounds of cat food and eight years’ worth of shampoo.
Actually, that’s not my point. My point is that going to Costco is the most money you’ll ever spend saving money. Mostly on the theory that if you buy everything now, you don’t have to worry about inflation.
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia and is the author of four books, published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to MSchmutter@gmail.com.