By Rabbi Yair Hoffman
K’lal Yisrael has lost the presence of an extraordinary neshamah—Rebbetzin Rishel Kotler. She was best known as the daughter-in-law of Rav Aharon Kotler, zt’l, and mother and grandmother of a dynasty of extraordinary talmidei chachamim—the roshei yeshiva of Beth Medrash Govoha, known far and wide simply as “Lakewood.” Rebbetzin Rishel passed away on 2 Av, at the age of 92, and was buried at Har HaMenuchos.
- Rishel Friedman was born in March 1923 in the town of Memel. Memel was once a part of Germany, its northernmost town. After the First World War, according to the terms of the Treaty of Versailles it was made a protectorate of the Entente States. Lithuania, however, took it by force, in the very year that Rishel was born.
Her father, Reb Aryeh Malkiel Friedman, known as Reb Leib, originated from the Lithuanian town of Verzhan. He was sent by his father, Reb Dovid Friedman, to study in Telz under Reb Chaim of Telz and in Slabodka as well.
Rebbetzin Rishel Kotler, a’h
Reb Aryeh Malkiel was a brilliant talmid chacham but after his wedding chose to learn quietly and not take a rabbinic position. He entered into business and was very successful, becoming a g’vir. Nonetheless, his peers in Slabodka, including Rav Aharon Kotler, had ta’anos (complaints) against him for not involving himself in the world of the yeshivas and learning.
Rebbetzin Rishel’s mother, Sara Yehudis, was orphaned at a young age. She was a paragon of chesed. While in Memel, their household served as a guest home for those seeking treatment in nearby Königsberg, which was a medical hub in Europe. Sara Yehudis also took a strong lead in establishing chinuch of girls throughout Lithuania and strengthening the study and observance of taharas ha’mishpachah.
Reb Aryeh Malkiel was a good friend of Rabbi Avrohom Eliyahu Kaplan, the rosh yeshiva of Rav Azriel Hildesheimer’s yeshiva in Berlin. They had studied together in yeshiva, and both became adherents of the mussar system. Rav Kaplan died suddenly when Rebbetzin Rishel was just one year old. At the end of Reb Avrohom Elya’s sefer B’Ikvos HaYirah are some letters addressed to Reb Leib Friedman.
Rebbetzin Rishel was a granddaughter of Rav Yisroel Nosson Teitz, the Av Beis Din of Legom, and one of the early students of the Sabba of Kelm. He was the son of Reb Avrohom Abba Krenitz, the rav of Verzhan, and the author of Ahavas Eisan on mishnayos. Her family stemmed from a line of rabbis in Lita for 39 generations. Some members of the family claim that they trace the family lineage to the Rozanes family. Rav Rozanes was the author of the Mishneh L’Melech. Her ancestors were students of the Vilna Gaon.
Mikveh in Memel
Reb Elchonon Wasserman. Rebbetzin Rishel’s parents were very close to Reb Elchonon Wasserman, Hy’d, who stayed at their home when fundraising for his yeshiva in Memel. Reb Elchonon had a very close relationship with them as well as the Friedman children. He would constantly regale them with stories of the Chofetz Chaim. When Reb Elchonon would leave the Friedman home, he would ask for a berachah from Rebbetzin Rishel’s sister Shulamis, who was three or four years of age. He explained by saying, “A young girl still has a purity of speech.”
Once, on a motzaei Shabbos, Reb Elchonon was a bit saddened that he was able to raise hardly any money for his yeshiva. That night, Reb Aryeh Malkiel and his wife themselves went around and gathered a significant sum of money for Reb Elchonon’s yeshiva.
Whenever b’nei Torah were at the house, Reb Aryeh Malkiel himself would bring them the water for netilas yadayim. He did this to show his family how much one must exert himself to honor b’nei Torah.
Once, in Memel, Rav Elchonon was invited to address a group of young people at the home of a wealthy philanthropist at a shalosh seudos. He did not want to do so, out of kashrus concerns. He relented only when the food would be brought from the Friedman home.
In 1938, the Nazis captured Memel. Reb Aryeh Malkiel tried his best to rescue the sifrei Torah of the Memel shul, and ultimately succeeded.
- The Friedmans eventually moved into a two-family house on 15 Ponyero Street in Kovno. Rebbetzin Sarna (Rebbetzin Rishel’s sister) would recall that Rav Elchonon would often beg of Rebbetzin Rishel’s father to daven and awaken Divine mercy from above for a specific choleh.
In Kovno, the Friedmans continued with their extraordinary chesed. They welcomed into their home all yeshiva students who were desperately trying to escape the Nazi beasts. Day and night Reb Aryeh Malkiel would send telegrams on behalf of others in an attempt to get visas and other documents for them.
During the Nazi era, Rav Elchonon stayed in Kovno and hid with the Friedmans, whose home was on top of the home of Rav Avrohom Grodzinski. The Friedman home became a beis va’ad l’chachamim where gedolei Torah gathered to discuss life-and-death issues. Reb Elchonon did have an escape plan to go to Switzerland, but an accident in which Reb Elchonon’s son’s foot was crushed delayed the escape.
By the time they were able to travel, unfortunately, the Nazis had closed all opportunity of escape. Reb Elchonon and nine others hid from the Nazis in the Friedman home. While most of those who were hiding in the Friedman home would remain on the upper floor, Reb Elchonon would be learning on the first floor, adjacent to the stairwell.
- Shortly before Rav Elchonon was murdered, he suggested a shidduch to Reb Aryeh Malkiel. Reb Elchonon was close with Rav Aharon Kotler. At the age of 17, Rebbetzin Rishel got engaged to Reb Shneur Kotler, age 22, in early 1941.
But they were not to marry for a while. Reb Shneur was arrested by the Russians for evading the draft. Although he was released, he knew that he was no longer safe in Russia. His first attempt was to make himself physically unfit for the Russian army. This failed to fool the Russians. Finally, his father had worked out with Rav Isser Zalman Meltzer a manner in which to obtain the proper papers to enter Eretz Yisrael. Reb Shneur took a boat to Palestine together with Reb Laizer Yudel, z’l, Rav Laizer Shach, z’l, and a number of others. Reb Shneur learned in the Chevron Yeshiva and also learned under his grandfather, Reb Isser Zalman Meltzer. Reb Shneur was also able to learn and hear shiurim from the Brisker Rav.
The situation in Europe was becoming desperate, and it was clear to all that for the sake of the talmidim and for Rav Aharon that he must try to get help for the bnei ha’yeshiva from America. The necessary paperwork was obtained for Rav Aharon to come to the United States. His talmidim and the other Jews of Saluk, where his yeshiva was now housed, escorted him toward the railway station in Vilna.
In January 1941, Rav Aharon began his trip by way of Japan.
Reb Aryeh Malkiel Friedman was murdered by the Nazis at the infamous 9th Fort in Kovno. He was murdered with 10,000 other Jews of Kovno. Rebbetzin Rishel’s mother, Sarah Yehudis, died two years later. Miraculously, their three daughters survived the war—Rebbetzin Rishel, z’l, Rebbetzin Rochel Sarna, z’l, and, tibadel l’chaim, Rebbetzin Shulamis Volbe.
Once, while Rebbetzin Rishel’s mother was holding the four-year-old Shulamis, the Nazis yemach shemam shot at them. The young child fell into a mass grave. But Sara Yehudis Friedman, Hy’d, did not believe that her daughter had died. That night they went back to the mass grave and dug out the young Shulamis. She was alive!
On her own. In March 1941, Rishel left home. She was to go through Russia, and her father accompanied her until Vilna. His parting words to her were to retain the level of kedushah they had maintained at their home. She should not dress like the goyim, she should not apply makeup, and she should be makpid on chalav Yisrael. She never saw her parents again.
The young Rishel was surprisingly resourceful. She had managed to hold on to three passports in order to navigate her way through the labyrinth of the escape. She had a German passport, a Lithuanian passport, and a Polish one as well, and she used all three on the way to Kobe, Japan, passing through Russia.
In Shanghai. Reb Aharon and his rebbetzin secured papers to emigrate from Japan to the U.S., but despite their valiant attempts to get papers for the young kallah to join Reb Shneur in Eretz Yisrael, they did not succeed. Rebbetzin Rishel remained with the Mirrer Yeshiva in Kobe. When the Mirrer went on to Shanghai, she joined them. She had many meals at the home of Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz, zt’l, as well. Rebbetzin Rishel remained in Shanghai with the Jewish community there for several years.
During the escape from the inferno that was Europe, it was quite normal to add a spouse to one’s papers in order to help them emigrate—even if the spouse was not really a spouse. This was done because of the mitzvah of pikuach nefesh. Rebbetzin Rishel did this as well.
Rav Aharon was able to send his future daughter-in-law money through the Red Cross. Rebbetzin Rishel was able to occasionally communicate with Reb Shneur through Rav Yitzchok Herzog, who was in Ankara, Turkey, at the time.
Shanghai, however, was not the healthiest of environments. The heat was debilitating, and the city was rife with disease. The young Rishel, unmarried and orphaned, contracted a near-deadly case of tuberculosis. One of her lungs stopped functioning entirely and the other was seriously compromised. Her knees and feet developed dangerous ulcers. The aftermath of these medical ailments affected her for the rest of her life.
While in Shanghai, she did manage to obtain papers to come to Canada. She used her Polish passport to obtain a visa. She entered Toronto and stayed with Rav Yaakov Kamenetsky, zt’l.
Arrival in America. Eventually, in 1946, Rebbetzin Rishel arrived in America and stayed with Rav Aharon and his wife on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, at 43 West 93rd Street. Reb Shneur, her chassan, was only to arrive back in America on Shavuos of 1947.
Precarious Health. Rebbetzin Rishel’s health was quite precarious and her medical prognosis was quite grim. She was told she would be unable to bear children and her life expectancy was short. Nonetheless, Rav Aharon paskened that his son should still marry her. When one of the doctors heard that Reb Aharon was planning to go ahead with the marriage he exclaimed, “Rabbi, you only have one son who carries your name and who can have children that will do the same . . . it’s reckless to have him marry a girl who cannot possibly have children!”
Rav Aharon explained to his family, “Ich vell nisht tcheperen mit a yesoma . . . m’vet vaiter gein mit der shidduch—I do not wish to mess with an orphaned girl; let us go further with the shidduch.” The wedding took place on Wednesday, January 19, 1949 in the yeshiva building in Lakewood, New Jersey. As it turned out, she outlived everyone—her doctors, her husband, and most of the people who were around at the time.
- Rav Aharon treated Rebbetzin Rishel with the greatest love and sensitivity. She was to remark to her friends that she had never seen her father-in-law raise his voice or get angry.
Rav Aharon passed away in 1962, and Reb Shneur became rosh yeshiva. The yeshiva grew tremendously under his direction.
The rebbetzin took an active role in the running of the yeshiva. Her care and concern for the talmidim was that of an eim b’Yisrael. She looked upon each bachur as a son. She also arranged for numerous shidduchim. “She was what we would call a camp mother,” remarked one talmid of the yeshiva.
In Lakewood, the rebbetzin was described as a one-person social agency. She looked after the bachurim as if they were her own children. She found them shidduchim, jobs, and clothing. At times she would see that a bachur was not able to dress well enough to find a suitable shidduch, and she took steps to ensure that the bachur was given a new suit.
Her husband, Reb Shneur, zt’l, was niftar in 1982, at the age of 64.
The rebbetzin also experienced the tragic passing of her own son Meir Kotler, zt’l. Although heartbroken, she exhibited the highest degree of emunah and bitachon.
She leaves a remarkable legacy of numerous talmidei chachamim and a role in building the citadel of Torah that is Beth Medrash Govoha. May she be a meilitza yesharah for all of K’lal Yisrael.
The author can be reached at yairhoffman2@gmail.com.