Question
I am in a huge mess right now.
This girl and I have been dating for a long time, but taking it slow, because I want to wait till I’m done with dental school. Lately, she has been pushing more for us to get married, because her friends are all getting engaged. But she understands that I can’t do that yet.
This arrangement had been working fine, until my friends decided to pull a prank. They sent a text message from my phone to hers, pretending to be me. The text said lots of mushy stuff and also proposed marriage! She answered yes.
That’s when my friends panicked and told me what happened. I called her right away to tell her that it was not me sending that text. Instead of laughing about the prank, she got angry and said she didn’t believe it was a prank but rather that I just got cold feet, and she didn’t know how she could ever trust me. That was three weeks ago, and she won’t talk to me. How can I straighten this out?
I also want to mention that my friends and I have always sent funny texts to people pretending to be each other. Also, they never really liked my girlfriend all that much to begin with. They say I could do so much better.
Response
By Baila Sebrow
Before straightening out the dilemma you are caught up in, you need to work on the boundary issues you and your friends have. It sounds like you have been friends with these guys for a long time, and keep no secrets from one another. On one hand, it comes across that this is a cohesive group of friends. However, the shortcoming of your bond is that you obviously do not respect each other’s privacy. Worse, it sounds like none of you have any respect for the people you play such pranks on. And that worries me in addition to the pickle you got yourself into.
No matter how close you are with someone, privacy is the one thing you can never compromise on. It is every person’s basic human right. There are those who demand that the people they are close with reveal every detail, from the most trivial to the most essential. Although mostly seen in family relationships, this is also common amongst friends.
There are singles who tell me of the discomfort they sometimes experience when their friends become aware that they are dating someone. These guys and girls have expressed that it almost feels like they are being spied on. From the hours and minutes they are on the date, to what they ate or talked about, the inquisitions can be unending. When such situations are not nipped in the bud, things can get much worse. As time goes on, the nosy friend feels more and more in control, as he or she appears to have gained power and influence. In due course, they feel entitled to generate negative comments.
You state that your friends never liked this girl, which means that they must have spoken against her. These good buddies of yours even have no problem telling you that you could do much better. They are pretty much telling you to break up with her. Don’t you see the pattern here? Yet, for whatever reason, it seems that thus far you never took the opinions and comments of your friends to heart, and so these self-serving souls took another approach to solve “their” dilemma.
Your tale might at first appear to be a typical illustration of a practical joke gone wrong. There are those funny guys who are jokesters and play pranks on others, not realizing how someone’s existence can potentially be destroyed by their antics. Sadly, there are stories of people who have not just lost friends, relationships, or jobs, but tragically even lives—all because some bored individual decided to play a joke on an innocent victim.
If this were a harmless prank, I would advise you to have your friends apologize, and for you to somehow find a way to make peace with this girl. But I am afraid that we are dealing with something more sinister here. Not only that, but when your girlfriend realized that the proposal was not sincere, her first reaction was that you got cold feet. That tells me that there is an ongoing conflict in your relationship to begin with.
Your number-one order of business is taking care of the real victim in this mess—your girlfriend. It is evident that she is not too thrilled having to wait until you finish dental school to get married. You mention how you want to wait until you are done with your education, but you acknowledge that she does not share your sentiments.
Her refusal to talk to you is not surprising in this case. She likely knows that whatever you tell her will be some lame excuse defending the behavior of your friends. In her mind that would only cause her more pain. She no doubt feels betrayed by you. Here she has been dating a guy for a long time, waiting around for him to feel ready to marry her, and his friends turn it into comic relief. Why should she trust you again? Furthermore, what faith have you instilled in your relationship when your friends feel at liberty to take something as serious as a marriage proposal and make a mockery out of it?
So what can you do? Thanks to the insensitivity of your friends, you have now been positioned to do some serious soul-searching. Take the time you are presently away from this girl and figure out if you seriously want to continue dating her.
I strongly advise you not to discuss this relationship with your friends. If anything, refuse to answer any questions they may throw at you. In fact, for the time being, until you come to terms with this dating relationship, it is probably in your best interest to keep a bit of a distance from these friends altogether.
I don’t know how long you have been dating this girl for, but has anything in her personality changed from the time you met her till now? Bear in mind, though, that she is likely feeling frustrated that people she knows are getting engaged, perhaps even to guys who are in school. Evaluate her for the person she is and determine whether this girl is someone whom you ultimately want to make a life with. Is the real reason you have not proposed marriage yet because you want to wait until you finish school, or is that an excuse you are making to yourself and to her?
Although the timing might appear unkind, if it turns out that you really feel that she is not right for you, it would be worse for you to make nice with this girl about this episode and schlep her around longer. Whatever decision you finally reach, do not heed the words of your friends that you can do much better. Such sayings have no place in anyone’s decision-making process. The reality is that there is no such thing. Many people have made similar mistakes, breaking up after being in long relationships, thinking that “the grass is greener on the other side,” only to discover that the other side does not consist of nicer grass, but rather it consists of dirt.
Even though friends who play pranks on one another have been around since the beginning of time, the circumstances surrounding this prank need to be addressed. I am not happy with the way your friends are behaving. Even if they felt that your relationship with this girl is not right for you, sending her a prank text the way you describe it proves to me that these friends are not good people. They knew they were playing with emotions and seemingly could not care any less. I caution you to reevaluate whether these are the type of people you want to be around—whether you continue to date this girl or eventually find yourself in another relationship.
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.
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