By Five Towns Marriage Initiative
Moshe Rabbeinu went from tent to tent in the encampment of the Jewish nation, speaking words of peace to the families in each tent. The Kli Yakar explains that because one is required to seek and pursue peace, it is unlike other commandments. With respect to other commandments, such as tzitzis, mezuzah, or challah, we are obligated to fulfill these mitzvos as we come across them, but we aren’t asked to actively seek these opportunities.
Bringing peace between man and his fellow helps to facilitate repentance, which brings peace between man and his Creator. In some situations, a person might not realize that he is doing something wrong, but an objective outsider may be able to put the matter in perspective and guide him towards a peaceful resolution.
Another reason we are exhorted to actively pursue peace is our responsibility for one another. In this vein, our Sages teach us that repentance is so great that one person who repents can cause Hashem to forgive him and the entire world along with him. When we are at peace with each other, we forge a double connection: we demonstrate our responsibility to our fellow Jews, and we also enable repentance and forgiveness. Both aspects lead to the ultimate peace—between man and his Creator.
Opportunities to actively pursue peace are within our reach on a daily basis. Each time we come home at the end of a long day, we have an opportunity to actively pursue peace with our spouses. We can choose to say something kind or, if we aren’t careful, to complain. In each conversation with our spouses, we can choose peace, starting the conversation with a nice word or a compliment. Every interaction with our spouses throughout the day is a chance to fulfill this unique commandment of pursuing peace, which should be the cornerstone of a Jewish home.
The major defining criterion of the home is referred to as “shalombayis,” or “a house at peace.” Clearly we don’t mean that the walls of the home must be at peace with each other; it’s the couple living in the home who must live harmoniously. The husband and wife set the tone in their home. When there is peace, all those living in the house can sense it, allowing them to go calmly about their day. When there is strife, anger, and discord, everyone in the house walks around on tiptoes, fearful of setting off trouble. Everyone feels tense and nervous when the lack of peace between a couple permeates the whole atmosphere of the home.
Marriage cannot remain in stagnation. We are either heading towards harmony or we are heading towards strife and discord. With every interaction, we must choose harmony, shalombayis. We need to actively pursue peace if we hope to truly attain and maintain it. May we have much success in creating a harmonious environment together with our spouses and work ever harder this year to make peace our reality!
Five Towns Marriage Initiative provides educational programs, workshops, and referrals to top marriage therapists. FTMI will help offset counseling costs when necessary and also runs an anonymous shalom bayis hotline for the entire community Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday evenings, 10:00–11:00 p.m. For the hotline or for more information, call 516-430-5280 or e‑mail dsgarry@msn.com.