By Mordechai Schmutter
Today we bring you some exciting news in the field of exercise. (Yes, the field of exercise. I picture an actual field where people exercise, mostly by plowing and tilling, whatever that means.) Apparently, according to a study published in the Journal of Neurophysiology, simply imagining that you’re exercising can have the same effect as actually exercising, thus giving further scientific proof that your body is an idiot.
“Did I work out?”
“Yeah, you worked out.”
“Oh, OK, good. I’m starving!”
This is great news for me, because I imagine exercising all the time. And I have an awesome imagination. I should be the fittest guy ever.
I think about exercising every day. It’s on my to-do list, but I push it off for things that will not tire me out or require me to go outside and stretch in public places. And then at the end of the day, when I finish those things, I’m like, “Well, I’m not going to exercise now! It’s the end of the day!”
And we know that this study is grounded in real science, because it works the other way too. For example, I find that when I imagine eating cake, I still gain weight.
But does this work with other parts of life? Can you just, for example, imagine going to work?
Yes. And then your boss will imagine paying you.
OK, so imagining exercising is probably not just as effective as the real thing, but it is more effective than not imagining exercising. At least according to scientists at Ohio University in Athens (Ohio, not Greece).
“Simply imagining that you’re exercising can tone muscle, delay atrophy, and even make your muscles stronger,” said Brian Clark, who conducted the study.
I do want to point out, though, that the study doesn’t claim that it helps you lose weight, just that it helps you build muscles. So you’ll still be fat, but no one will dare make fun of you for it. And if they do, you won’t hear them, because you’ll be off in your own world, imagining punching them in the nose.
Also, according to the study, it’s not enough to just imagine that you exercised. Apparently, you have to imagine doing every single push-up, and count them. You can even grunt out the numbers, like you would in real life, so long as the people around you are aware of what you’re doing. So don’t do it on the subway.
Basically, you’re doing mental exercises, which are apparently real exercises. This explains what was going on that first time in school that you had a teacher who called math problems “exercises,” and he said, “Now we’re going to do some exercises,” and you were thrilled, because you were sick of sitting around and doing math, and then the teacher just gave you more problems. Well, they’re not problems, they’re mental exercises. I don’t know why I thought we were going to do jumping jacks in math class.
The downside, then, is that you can’t listen to music or a shiur while you think about working out, because that would disturb your kavanah. This is pretty annoying, because most of the time when people actually work out, they specifically do something to distract their minds from the fact that they’re working out. If you had nothing to think about the entire time you were working out except the actual workout, you’d go crazy. And by “go crazy,” we mean “become someone who pretends he’s working out when he isn’t actually working out.”
But does this mean that if you actually worked out while also imagining that you were working out, you could be done in half the time? Because that’s my main concern when planning workouts—finishing in less time. Just lifting things faster doesn’t help with that.
To conduct the study, scientists took two sets of people and put casts on their wrists for a month. One set was told to sit still for 11 minutes a day, 5 days a week, and perform mental imagery of working out their wrists. The other set was, to quote the study, “not given any instruction.” In other words, I guess, they sat around for four weeks trying not to think about how much it itched.
According to the news article, “At the end of the four weeks, the participants who engaged in the mental exercise were twice as strong as those who didn’t. Those participants also developed what researchers call ‘stronger brains.’”
Stronger brains? I don’t think I have a strong-enough brain to know what that means. Does that mean they don’t need a bike helmet?
The findings, though, indicated that imagining exercising is just as effective as exercising. Or at least more effective than not exercising. There was no third group that actually exercised. Probably because whatever they would be able to lift could not compare with what the scientists were trying to make the test subjects lift after a month in a cast. For all we know, the test was “Can you lift this pencil?” And the people who did the mental exercises could sort of lift the pencil. Maybe it was one of those huge therapy pencils that you have to sharpen with a hatchet.
Of course, we’re all very excited about this study, as we are with any study that says we don’t have to work out or eat better. The point of the study was to show that people who get injured can still imagine that they’re exercising, but anyone can do it. If you have a good imagination, you can probably imagine doing several exercises at once to save time, like lifting weights while on a treadmill, or rowing a boat full of exercise machines—things that would probably break your neck in real life.
And this is great, because in real life, I can do two pushups. But in my mind, I can do hundreds. So it’s probably even more effective than actually working out.
It’s also great when starting longer workout programs. I recently tried an exercise program called “Couch to 5K,” which claims that, if you follow their regimen, in nine weeks you can go from sitting on the couch all day to running 5K, whatever that is. I never got to find out, because I couldn’t finish Day 1. Turns out I have to work up to Day 1. So maybe this is how I’ll do that—I’ll imagine running every day. Though, knowing myself, I’ll probably imagine spraining my ankle or something.
It’s also great for people who don’t want anyone to see them exercise. Because who wants to exercise? There seem to be all these rules about what you can and can’t do. You’re doing pushups, sweating away, and the person watching you (and not doing any pushups) says you’re doing them wrong. There’s no wrong way to do a pushup. It’s like lifting weights. If there’s a 100 lb. weight and a 50 lb. weight, and you lift the 50 lb. weight, does that mean you’re doing it wrong? You’re working up to it! And the same goes for pushups. You’re pretty heavy, and lifting 250 pounds right away won’t do anyone any favors. So there is definitely some benefit to just imagining doing the exercises, in that at least no one’s popping into your head to tell you that you’re doing them wrong.
“No, you’re supposed to imagine your hands at shoulder width. And why are you picturing your back bent?”
But the best part of this study is that you don’t need to make time for the gym. You can think about exercising anywhere—at work, during a meeting, on line at the supermarket, in bed in the morning (“Are you still lying there?” “No, I’m exercising”) and even on a plane, though that might make the people next to you very uncomfortable.
But will this revelation take business away from gyms? Or will gyms counter it by just having more places where people can just sit down and imagine they’re working out? Is that what the shvitz is for? Great business idea: A room where people sit around and imagine exercising. There would be no distractions there, and no duties or obligations, except that after they get up, they have to wipe down the chair. And unlike with gyms, people would actually come. We could make millions! I imagine.
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia and is the author of four books, published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to MSchmutter@gmail.com.