Question
My family is in a crisis. We have a daughter who is almost engaged to a boy from a very respectable family. We were told he is a top boy and a great learner. We loved that he is also in college pursuing a profession. That’s what we all dreamed of for her—and it seemed our dream had come true.
Last Shabbos my daughter was invited to the boy’s house for Shabbos. When she came home, she started crying when she told us what happened. She then locked herself in her room. I am writing this letter as I hear her sob.
This perfect boy did not go to shul Friday night. He told my daughter he was tired and davened at home. She was upset, but did not show it to anyone. The next morning he slept till his parents came home from shul. They all then waited till he davened and he made Kiddush.
A few years ago, one of our older daughters was married for just a few weeks to such a guy. Baruch Hashem, my husband and I got her out very quickly before things got worse. I mamash see history repeating itself. In that case we were not so lucky to find out in advance, because that daughter was not invited to stay in the boy’s home for Shabbos.
We are scheduled to have a l’chaim and they have already looked at rings, but my husband and I want to call the whole shidduch off.
The reason I’m writing to you is that as soon as my daughter came home, I called the shadchan. This lady told me that we are overreacting, and that nowadays most good guys don’t daven with a minyan, unless they are very yeshivish.
Is that true? My daughter is not happy—that much I will tell you.
Response
By Baila Sebrow
I will first debunk the myth that this shadchan is trying to convince you is a fact. No, it is absolutely not true that nowadays most good boys don’t go to minyan. And to say that only the yeshivish boys are makpid on that inyan is offensive to every other Torah-observant male over the age of 13.
Choosing not to join minyanim is not a trend. What an outrageous statement! We are not talking about a fashion style that some designer decided should be “in” one season but “out” the next.
There are men who oftentimes have to make sacrifices to find a minyan, due to time limitation or location. They do so regardless, because they are devoutly committed—yeshivish or otherwise. This is just the shadchan’s feeble attempt to persuade you to overlook a discrepancy on the guy’s part.
Moreover, regardless of what this woman is telling you, you have every right to “overreact” to this situation or anything that feels out of the ordinary when you are talking about the potential marriage of your child. This is a decision with lifelong ramifications.
I am not going to make excuses for anyone, nor will I judge guys who are not accustomed to davening with a minyan. However, when a boy is presented as being superior in his religious observance yet fails to live up to that reputation, there are serious considerations to deliberate. But that does not mean you should pull the plug on this shidduch without investigating the entire picture.
I can see how your fear is twofold. Your family endured a misfortune that sounds similar to what your younger daughter described. But you need to know that no two situations are exactly alike. Your older daughter was married to a guy who exhibited a behavioral pattern that went against her hashkafic comfort zone. Although it was just for a few weeks, still, this was his derech. I assume your daughter’s ex-husband also had no interest in changing or compromising with her.
When a couple gets married, they may each naturally take for granted that the other will act in accordance with the way they initially presented themselves. Sadly—and one of the many reasons we have such a high divorce rate—things can be drastically different after marriage. Respectfully, I have a feeling that there may have been other troubling issues that contributed to your daughter’s divorce.
This time around, in this daughter’s case, we have no indication that this guy never goes to minyan at all. You need to be careful not to project your older daughter’s hard blow onto your younger daughter. What exactly did she view that made her run home after Shabbos in tears? Has your daughter discussed her disappointment with the guy to whom she was ready to get engaged? And have you and your husband contacted his parents, with whom you were previously chatting about the upcoming l’chaim?
If her disillusionment came about solely because this guy missed minyan Friday night and Shabbos morning, perhaps there is a logical explanation for his behavior. Is it possible that he veered from what may be his usual schedule for a good reason?
It would not hurt to give this guy the benefit of the doubt, at least until he has been given the chance to explain what happened. Running to the shadchan or anyone else before you have a clear understanding of the situation is not going to benefit anyone involved in this relationship.
Maybe the guy was feeling under the weather, and that caused him to need some rest to recuperate. You do not mention if there is only one shul in the area where this guy lives, but perhaps he wasn’t comfortable going to shul on that particular Shabbos for some reason.
You do not mention whether he went to shul later on for Minchah or Ma’ariv. Furthermore, how did he conduct himself throughout Shabbos, aside from missing minyan? Those are some of the important questions that need answers that will hopefully satisfy your daughter.
If it turns out that this was a one-time divergence from his usual pattern, and if the relationship means that much to your daughter, it is best to let this occurrence go by without philosophizing any further. However, prepare for the possibility that this “top” boy your daughter thought she got may not turn out to be all that she had hoped for. There may in fact be additional issues, too, which will come to light if you all sit down to talk things through.
If your daughter was clear from the very beginning that she wants to marry a guy who will make his presence at minyan three times a day a priority, that is her privilege. I hope for her sake that she can be understanding, and excuse circumstances that would make it almost impossible for the guy to attend a minyan. But even then, if this is the way she feels, then so be it. Being scrupulous about minyan attendance represents a particular lifestyle choice. It might be a blessing that your daughter had the opportunity to see for herself something that she cannot comfortably live with.
In my opinion, expecting that the guy you marry will go to minyan three times a day, every day, is not about being too fussy. Not any more than other requirements that singles feel they need in order to be content. A shidduch should be an individual choice and, ultimately, a personal decision. No one should be made to feel bad or guilty about deciding to opt out when things do not pan out the way they were initially presented. People deserve to marry the type of person they are looking for.
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com.
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