By Esther Mann, LCSW
Dear Esther,
I think that my husband, who is in his late fifties, has been going through a “midlife crisis.” He has just not been himself for the past year. I’ve been observing lots of disturbing changes that make him almost unrecognizable to me.
Though we’ve always been close, he is shutting me out of this stage of his life. But here and there he’ll make comments that allow me to understand what is going on. Though my husband is a smart man, he never achieved the kind of success in his life that he hoped to. I know that, growing up, he always wanted to be a doctor. We met and married young and quickly had a baby. He decided that becoming a doctor was no longer an option, as he had a family to support; he settled for a career in a field that never really fulfilled him. He always made a living, but never achieved the kind of success that his two brothers achieved. He has a few close friends who became successful, and he always felt down on himself that they accomplished what he was not able to.
Though he is far from being an old man, I believe he is giving up on ever achieving the dreams that he talked about years ago. He realizes that he’ll never travel around the world. He’ll probably never write the novel he thought we would someday get around to writing. He’s given up on dreams of retiring young and making aliyah. It’s as if it has suddenly dawned on him that most of his dreams will never happen, and he seems depressed as he acknowledges this.
I hate to see him in this state. It hurts me to see him so unhappy, especially since I think he has so much to be grateful for. There are many berachos in his life that he just doesn’t seem to be able to acknowledge right now. When I try to talk to him about his attitude and try to encourage him to change his perspective, he shuts me out. And that’s a shame, because I have many family members and friends who find talking to me helpful when they are stressed or worried. They seem to find my advice useful. Maybe just my ability to listen helps them—or so they say. And yet my own husband doesn’t allow me to help him in any way. I have to just sit and watch him suffer.
I’ve mentioned to him that maybe he should speak to a professional, if he doesn’t want to speak to me. That maybe he needs medication for the time being, until this funk of his passes. But like every other time I try to make a suggestion, he just basically says he’s not interested in my advice.
Though I can’t compare his suffering to mine, it has also been a challenging year for me. We used to be able to have fun together. We used to laugh a lot together and just relax, enjoying one another’s company. We didn’t need to go to fancy restaurants or amazing trips to have a great time. Just being together was enough for both of us. For now, those days are gone. I feel tense around him and uncertain of what I can and can’t say. I don’t think he wants me to be unhappy, but it’s as if he can’t help himself. He’s gotten into a world of his own, full of his personal demons, that is separate from me.
I love my husband very much and want only what’s best for him. I want to support him, though he doesn’t really let me. Sometimes I don’t even know where to put myself. I’m not sure if he prefers that I be at home. I don’t know if I should talk to him. I’m confused and starting to feel his hopelessness, which is not my nature. I don’t want to spin out of control the way he has and wind up just as depressed as he is. What do you advise?
Confused
Dear Confused,
You sound like a wonderful, loving woman who has suddenly had the rug pulled out from under her. You’re slipping and sliding, unable to get your bearings. Clearly it is a disturbing and frustrating time for you. It’s bad enough to see your loved one go through such a difficult time. You and your husband seem to have always been connected and therefore you probably are absorbing his pain almost as if it were your own. But what makes your situation so much more intense and intolerable is that you feel that your hands are tied.
As a compassionate person and a problem-solver, you naturally morph into “fix-it” mode, ready to focus on possible solutions to improve whatever is ailing your husband. But he’s made it loud and clear that your place is to stay away, disengage, and just be an observer of his midlife crisis. It’s hard enough to watch a stranger suffer, but when it’s your own husband, it becomes almost unbearable.
There are several things that you need to know. First and foremost, because your husband has shut you out, there is nothing you can do to actually help him. Unless a person wants to be helped and is open to it, it doesn’t matter how talented, compassionate, or wonderful you are. There is nothing positive you can offer him right now. It won’t matter how many helpful suggestions you throw his way; he’s not open to hearing them.
That is quite frustrating for you. As you sit on your hands and keep your mouth shut, it must feel like torture. But until he decides to include you in his experience, you need to back away. And, sadly, my guess is that if he is not letting you in, then he is definitely not letting anyone else in either.
In the meantime, do your best to live your life to the fullest. Don’t go down with the ship. It won’t be helpful to anyone if you, too, become depressed and hopeless. More than ever, it’s important that you stay engaged in the activities that you’ve always enjoyed, stay connected with family and friends who bring you joy, and continue to live with gratitude and hope. As you well know, every day is an opportunity for transformation. We wake up each morning and have the option of making it a great day or hiding under the covers. By continuing to live your life fully, you are modeling for your husband what healthy living looks like.
Sometimes we’re not given the option of saying what we’d like to, but we can still act it out and live by example. Your husband may pick up on some of your cues and perhaps your positive living can have an effect on him.
If you find that he is sucking the joy out of your life, despite your best intentions, maybe you should be the one talking to a professional, or at least a trusted family member or good friend. The heavy energy that must be filling up your home is hard to be around, and perhaps venting can alleviate some of it for you. And on that note, you may decide you need to spend less time at home in general. You haven’t mentioned anything about children, so I’m assuming there are none at home and it’s just the two of you. Certainly continue with all of your wifely duties. Prepare a good dinner, try to keep up “safe” conversations with him, gently suggest going out for a walk or brunch. But when you feel that he is totally shutting you out, call a friend and maybe run out for a movie. Or spend more time at the gym. Take on some new hobbies. For now, keep yourself distracted as much as you can. Try to spend as much time among people and things that make you smile!
If this is a midlife crisis, have faith that it too shall pass. We all go through many cycles during our lives, but they generally come and go, and we work through them and come out on the other end, hopefully having grown from the experience. My hope is that during this difficult time, your husband is doing some sort of life review, trying to figure out how he got to this place at this time, and after much regret and remorse, figuring out how to move forward with his life in a more productive and satisfying way. Hopefully, this scenario will soon play out.
If you find that the current situation goes on far too long and your husband is still in his funk, unable to switch gears and once more behave as the loving, fun husband you fell in love with and enjoyed for so many years, you may decide to take more drastic steps. But for now, I suggest that you hang in there, let him know that you love him and support him, and pray that he gets through this dark tunnel sooner rather than later.
Esther
Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Lawrence. Esther works with individuals and couples. Together with Jennifer Mann, she also runs the “Navidaters.” She can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295.