By Baila Sebrow
Question
We need guidance about our daughter who is coming home from seminary in Israel. But first I want to tell you about my 27-year-old daughter, to provide background information. The females in our family are a size 10–12. We are not fat, but we are not skinny either. Thirty years ago, when I was dating, my weight was never an issue. Believe me, the mothers of boys asked about dress sizes back then, too, but the women in those days thought that a size 10 was nice. Not anymore. So when my 27-year-old came from seminary, I pushed her hard to lose weight. She struggled, and she won. But it came at great cost.
She starved herself and exercised like crazy. She even forced herself to throw up after she went to a simcha if she ate cake. But she was also very careful not to hurt her body. Everything would have been OK, but when she was asked about her secret to looking so good, she confessed to a few close friends what she was doing. Before we knew it, everyone was saying that she has anorexia and bulimia. I promise you that she never had those conditions. But in the end this ruined her chances of marrying a normal boy.
The question now is what to do about our younger daughter. She has the same build as her older sister, and my husband is telling me to just leave her alone, and, worst comes to worst, she can marry a large guy who also has problems in shidduchim. But I want her to have the same options as every other girl. How do we go about it?
Response
Your letter is heartbreaking on so many levels, but mainly as it reinforces the dysfunction of the shidduch system today. You are correct that even thirty years ago, mothers asked about the dress size of girls that their sons might date. The difference is that at that time women had a different viewpoint regarding slimness. And you are correct—a size 10 was considered an acceptable and attractive range. Nowadays, a female in the shidduch parashah who is a size 6, or even a 4, is rarely considered thin.
The tragic aspect of this phenomenon is that in an effort to be shidduch-eligible, many young girls literally starve themselves or exercise to the point of exhaustion to further burn calories. What makes this trend even more abnormal is that mothers of girls are buying into this insanity and are overzealously pushing their young daughters to lose weight. I am not talking about situations where a girl is obese or even heavyset. But girls who are of a healthy weight are being frightened that if they are not skinny, then no guy will want to marry them. According to what you have said, this is the scenario that took place in your household with your now 27-year-old daughter.
I take strong issue with your statement that your daughter was careful not to hurt her body. Do you seriously believe that severely limiting essential calories and overexerting herself with exercise did not hurt your daughter’s body? Furthermore, that she also forced herself to vomit after eating indicates that the situation was far worse than you are even willing to admit to yourself.
You do not say how she is doing now. But if she actually went about losing weight by methods of starvation, dehydration, and vomiting, then your daughter did suffer from anorexia and bulimia. Please understand that I am in no way condoning her friends’ action in spreading the gossip about what she was doing. And I do believe you that their tales could have contributed to the destruction of prospective shidduchim. In their defense, however, I am inclined to say that they were likely horrified by what your daughter was doing to herself, and perhaps even sought ways to help her. But they went too far by talking about it to others, which produced a negative outcome where shidduchim are concerned.
This warrants repeating so that you truly understand: what your daughter did to her body was harmful to her health. To make sure that your younger daughter does not follow along a similarly detrimental path, I will briefly enlighten you about the health consequences of eating disorders.
Any sort of eating disorder can devastate the physical and emotional well-being of a person. Anyone—male or female—suffering from such a condition is denying their body the necessary nutrients to function properly. People have died from heart failure resulting from eating disorders. As good as others think she looked, do not kid yourself into believing that your daughter has not possibly caused damage to her organs, bones, skin, and teeth.
As I said before, I don’t know if she is still suffering from this disorder, but I hope that you and your husband get her the physical and psychological treatment that she is surely in need of.
You now need to be extra-vigilant that your younger daughter does not fall victim to the same illness. I am going to let you in a on a little secret. Most boys are not looking for stick-thin girls. In fact, many have acknowledged that they are more attracted to a girl who is not skinny. However, in the world of needing to show off to strangers (who in reality don’t care either way), the mothers of newly dating boys are the ones who are concerned that their daughter-in-law be better, prettier, richer, and skinnier than the girls their friends’ sons marry.
We can perhaps blame some of the mothers who still control their sons’ dating life. But when these young guys get older, they typically make their own decisions about whom they feel attracted to. And despite that, on paper they may say they prefer to date the thinner girls. Why? For the same reason their mothers insist on it. For those guys, it’s about what they view as a “trophy” within their circle of friends.
The good news in the frum world of dating is that many normal mothers of boys in the parashah do still exist. As a shadchan, I will acknowledge that questions about a girl’s size are asked. But in many cases, as long as the girl is healthily proportioned, it does not stand as an impediment. If you don’t believe me, check out the newly married women in your own community. Are they all stick-thin? I highly doubt it. It is the insecure women with low self-esteem who are the most concerned with the appearances of their future daughters-in-law.
Which brings me to your husband’s opinion that your daughter should look for a heavyset boy. If the mother of this overweight boy suffers from societal insecurity, she, too, can be just as demanding as the mother of a slim guy. I have seen that many times.
So what can you do to help your younger daughter plot her course in shidduchim? Build up her self-esteem from the minute she steps off that plane returning from her time in seminary. Compliment her and focus on all the attributes that you love about her. And if there is something she needs to improve on, apply good-quality parenting skills by practicing positive reinforcement.
Make her feel beautiful, regardless of her dress size. Encourage your household to adopt healthy eating habits and exercise plans. It wouldn’t hurt to direct that same approach to your older daughter, too. She is only 27, and that’s not old at all. She can, without doubt, find an appropriate shidduch. Please make sure that she believes that.
Whatever you choose to do about developing the self-confidence of your daughters, remember that confidence is the key to winning in most situations. In the world of shidduchim, there is a wealth of benefits to having healthy self-esteem. A confident person stands prouder, speaks more clearly, and comes across as interesting and attractive. And because confident people tend to value themselves, they are more easily able to make the right choice in choosing a suitable spouse who will love and appreciate them for their G‑d-given attributes.
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com. Questions and comments for the Dating Forum can be submitted to 5townsforum@gmail.com.