By Regina Perl
Whether or not you have a child who is dating, you probably know more than you need to about “the parashah.” Unfortunately, we are all intimately acquainted with the term “shidduch crisis.” In response, I would like to offer some new ideas, which can be orchestrated by some players who have not yet been involved in attacking this crisis.
We in the frum community have a tremendous resource at our disposal that we have ignored and let go unutilized—the singles themselves! There are hundreds if not thousands of single people who could be acting as shadchanim (matchmakers) for each other. Young women and men in the frum community are constantly meeting new people—on a date, at a Shabbos meal, in class, at work, or in myriad other scenarios—but after that encounter is over, they go on their merry way.
What needs to happen is for the single people to say to themselves, “Hey, can I set up this person with anyone I know?” However, a huge obstacle in singles meeting new singles with the goal of setting them up is the system by which we as frum Jews operate. Frum singles are kept completely separate. Many single people daven in the same shul for years and yet don’t know of each other! In years gone by, people would meet nice Jewish prospects in shul and get married. Yes, actually get married and build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael.
I have a novel idea for shuls and rabbanim: every three or four months, all the single people in a shul will be invited to a shiur given by the rabbi. The single men and women should sit separately on opposite sides of the mechitzah during the speech. The rabbi can give over a derashah that is pertinent to the singles: on topics such as personal growth, emunah and bitachon, and concepts that will speak to their nisyonos—so that if the evening ends up being an epic failure, at least there was a good speech.
After the shiur, which should not be longer than half an hour—since the singles work, learn, study, and have long and tiring days—the rabbi, the rebbetzin, and a few members of the shul who are retired or have the time and the desire to get involved should introduce the singles to each other. It’s OK if there is a broad age range of singles, and those who are divorced or widowed should also be included. The singles will be instructed to exchange names, numbers, and information. (This part of the evening should not take more than an hour.)
Now we come to the productive part. The singles go home, back to their lives . . . but now they have to try and think of some matches that they can bring about for the singles they met in their shul. If we get very lucky and a male and female from the same shul want to date, the rabbi or rebbetzin or the other facilitators can act as the shadchan. And if a single thinks of an idea for another single, but he or she does not want to be the one to actually redd the shidduch, the rabbi or rebbetzin or other facilitators can act as the shadchan in this case too.
This idea can only work if the singles want to get involved and help each other. I think and hope that they do. We are all in this together, and as much as it seems like an immovable mountain, we can begin to move it, one grain of sand at a time.
More ideas on how we can begin to resolve the shidduch crisis will follow. In the meantime, if you have the ability to help a single meet his or her zivug, please do!