By Esther Mann
Mother In The Middle
Dear Esther,
I’m 32 years old and married with three children—one girl and two boys. My daughter, Naomi, is 11 years old. I have a sister, Rachel, who is seven years younger than I am who is single and living at home with my parents. My parents live very close by.
Rachel and I are very, very different. I would say that from all of my siblings, the two of us have the least in common and never really got along. Rachel is outgoing, loud, opinionated, and kind of “out there” in many ways. I, on the other hand, am on the quiet side, reserved, and low-key. From childhood on, I don’t think either of us felt we had any reason to forge a friendship with one another. And we didn’t!
Naomi has a lot in common with Rachel and not much in common with me. She’s my only daughter, and, frankly, I always thought it would be great to have a daughter who I related to and could feel that I had a lot in common with. That’s not the case with Naomi. As time goes by and she matures, I find that we are drifting apart. Naomi seems to resent me for some reason and often challenges me about most things.
My family spends a great deal of time at my parents. We go most Shabbosos for meals and run over randomly for this and that. It feels like a second home to us since my parents are young and welcoming and it’s great for all of us to spend time there. For as far back as I can remember, Rachel and Naomi always seemed to have a special bond. Naomi looks up to Rachel and thinks she’s “cool.” (According to Naomi, I’m not at all “cool.”) But even when Naomi was a baby, Rachel loved holding her and was always anxious to play with her and was available to babysit when she wasn’t busy.
Now that Naomi is almost a teenager, it seems to me as though her relationship with Rachel is changing and the two of them are becoming real buddies. I think Rachel likes Naomi a lot, but I also feel that Naomi is filling a void in Rachel’s life, as she’s still single and isn’t yet a mother. So the relationship works well for the two of them. I often notice the two of them huddled together in a corner, talking, laughing, and having a grand time together. (Naomi never really laughs much with me.)
Recently, when it came time for Naomi to get new clothing, she asked me if Rachel could take her shopping since Rachel understands her taste better than I do and it’s more fun to go shopping with her. Against my better judgment, not wanting to start a fight, I said OK. Some of the stuff that they picked out together went right back to the store since I felt it wasn’t appropriate. That did not make Naomi happy, but I held my ground.
I sometimes get the feeling that when Naomi and Rachel are talking together they are talking about me. I know that sounds kind of paranoid, but it’s just a feeling I get about the two of them, and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t know what to do at this point. It’s bad enough that we often go to my parents as a family, but now that Naomi is getting a little older, she’s started going there by herself, and lately it seems that she’s hanging out there with Rachel more often.
The whole relationship makes me unhappy. If I liked and respected Rachel more, then I probably would be OK with their super-close relationship. I’m not sure if she’s such a great influence on Naomi and I feel that the more she’s in the picture, the more I’ll be pushed away. I’m already feeling rejected.
If my family and Rachel lived further away, I would have much more control over the situation. I’d just limit our time there and Naomi would have no way of getting there on her own. But under these circumstances, I just don’t know what my options are. Can I forbid my daughter from spending extra time with Rachel? Frankly, I wish I could tell Naomi that I don’t want her hanging out with Rachel altogether. But I know that would look very bad. So how can I control this situation?
Rejected
Dear Rejected,
It sounds as though there are two separate issues going on here. The first issue has to do with your relationship with your daughter, Naomi. It seems you are cut from different cloths and your natures have next to nothing in common. That fact is obvious to you and I’m sure others and, unfortunately or fortunately, we are who we are, and, as they say, you can’t shove a square peg into a round hole.
Like all mothers, you would have loved to have a daughter you could relate to, feel comfortable with, feel admired by, and have a natural connection with, forged by similar ideas and attitudes. Sounds great! But our children are a mixture of an enormous gene pool generated by so many sources and the likelihood that they turn out to be clones of their mother is quite slim. Nonetheless, sometimes children have a few similarities to their mothers. Based on your question, I’m not getting the impression that you relate to Naomi in any way. Is that actually the case? Have you looked long and hard to see if you could discover some areas, even if they are small, that the two of you do have in common?
Leaving that aside for now, it seems you are feeling like the odd man out, as Rachel and Naomi are enjoying a relationship together that you feel should be reserved for you alone. That’s painful to see. It’s hard to feel like the outsider, especially when it’s regarding your own daughter.
So the first issue you need to be dealing with is your relationship with Naomi, having nothing to do with how close she is or isn’t with your sister. It seems your connection slipped away some time ago or maybe it was never really established. I wonder whether you ever felt particularly close to Naomi. Do you find yourself disrespecting loud, opinionated types? Is it possible that in some subtle or not so subtle way, you’ve reacted to Naomi from the get-go in a way that doesn’t feel warm and fuzzy to her? Could she be feeling judged by you? Not quite enough? Imperfect in some way?
First and foremost, your work should be focused on developing a better relationship with Naomi. Work on accepting her for all that she is, rather than for all that you feel she isn’t. Figure out how to respect her nature, even if you can’t relate to it or understand it. Find the fabulousness in Naomi so that she can get what she needs from you, rather than feel she needs to run to Rachel for appreciation and validation. And, as mentioned earlier, look a little closer to see if the two of you share some qualities that can be used as a springboard for the beginning of a deeper connection.
Furthermore, you speak of some intangible threat that you feel looming from Rachel’s corner. What is this about? What exactly do you fear could be the result of Naomi and Rachel spending vast amounts of time together? Try to dig deeper within yourself and uncover what your worst fear might be. How exactly might Rachel influence Naomi that could be of concern to you? Are you imagining something that doesn’t exist or is there actually a threat being posed to your daughter? It’s important for you to be clear about this.
Secondly, maybe it’s time to work on your relationship with Rachel. You are now both adults and your different styles don’t have to fuel a disconnect. Get to know her better, show compassion for her if you feel she is struggling with still being single, and see if you can change your role from judgmental big sister to a kinder, more loving ally. If you can create this shift in your relationship with Rachel, it will be a win-win for all three of you.
Once you repair these two important relationships, I believe the entire dynamic will change. At that point, you might suggest the three of you going shopping together for clothing for Naomi. Or the three of you doing other fun activities together so that you don’t have to feel left out. Working toward a fabulous threesome is your best bet. But also, I believe if you tried to remove Rachel from Naomi’s life in any kind of meaningful way, it could come back to bite you, as there would probably be enormous pushback and resentment on both sides.
Having said all of the above, there is nothing wrong with putting certain limits on the time Naomi spends at your parents. You don’t even have to frame it as “time spent with Rachel,” but rather that you prefer she spends more time at home to be with her family, do her homework, help out with chores, etc. Explain that you miss her when she’s away so much and would like to enjoy her presence more!
Sometimes we receive helpful messages in the most unlikely ways. Naomi and Rachel’s relationship is telling you that you have some work to do. Go for it!
Esther
Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals and couples. Together with Jennifer Mann, she also runs the “Navidaters.” She can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295.