By Esther M. Schonfeld
“Half of all marriages end in divorce—and then there are the really unhappy ones.”
—Joan Rivers
One vexing question we are often asked is, “Why are there so many divorces in the frum community?” This question is often followed by the other inquiry, “Can some of these marriages be saved?” For years, psychologists have been trying to answer the question of why two people who once said “I do” to a lifetime together decide they’re better off apart from each other.
While the answers to that question are many and often complex, psychologists have a pretty good idea of what factors are likely to make for a good marriage and keep the couple together, and which factors present in the marriage can raise the likelihood of divorce.
Interestingly, psychologists have found that couples who do not live together prior to marriage have a better chance at a lifelong marriage (Kamp Dush, C.M.K., Cohan, C.L., & Amato, P.R. (2003). “The relationship between cohabitation and marital quality and stability: Change across cohorts?” Journal of Marriage and Family, 65(3), 539–549). Research has also found that couples with a shared religion are more likely to hold a strong bond that can contribute to a lifelong marriage. (Jafari, F., Neisani Samani, L., Fatemi, N., Ta’avoni, S., & Abolghasemi, J. (2015). “Marital satisfaction and adherence to religion.” Journal of Medicine and Life, 8 (Spec Issue 4), 214–218.) For example, couples who attend a house of worship together at least two times per month are less likely to divorce. These two examples should weigh in favor of frum marriages being everlasting.
On the other hand, one finding that does not bode well for the frum community is that it takes about two years together to develop the strong bond necessary for marriage, and that couples who date for less than one year might not know each other well enough to responsibly take that next step of marriage (Francis-Tan, Andrew and Mialon, Hugo M., “‘A Diamond is Forever’ and Other Fairy Tales: The Relationship Between Wedding Expenses and Marriage Duration,” September 15, 2014).
One of the many prevalent and troubling reasons for divorce that matrimonial attorneys encounter is unaddressed and untreated mental-health issues. Many of the mental-health conditions that we have seen contributing to divorce are related to untreated anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), and addiction disorders. These types of issues increase the likelihood of divorce because they can affect both partners and their children.
How does this relate to the length of relationships prior to marriage and the frum community?
Quite simply, the short relationship prior to marriage makes it easier for such illnesses to remain undiscovered. There is no excuse to intentionally withhold information as important as a mental illness from a potential spouse, but if that is the case, the longer the couple is together, the more likely that the symptoms will materialize and the illness will make itself known.
Although treatments are available for mental illnesses and there are wonderful, seasoned, licensed mental-health professionals in our community, many people never bother to seek the help they need. In many cases, this is the result of a lack of economic means. In others, stigma, embarrassment, and shame also play a role in the decision not to be open about illness with a potential spouse—and in the decision not to seek treatment.
In our community, lack of economic means should never be an excuse to not see a therapist, as there are many nonprofit community-service organizations that offer services, as well as many therapists who work with a sliding scale. Because the consequences of untreated mental-health issues are potentially severe, it is extremely important to acknowledge the signs and seek help as soon as possible. Not addressing a mental-health disorder will not only result in the disorder getting worse, but also brings with it the potential to develop ramifications significantly more serious than a divorce.
Before we as a society can hope to solve issues like the divorce rate, we first need to take a step back and see what we, the community, can do to create a safe and comfortable environment where people are no longer afraid to seek the help they need. As for the second question—“Can some of the marriages be saved?”—I think that, at least in regard to some of those involving mental illness, they most certainly can be.
Esther M. Schonfeld is a founding partner of the law firm Schonfeld & Goldring, LLP, with offices in Cedarhurst. The firm limits its practice to divorce law, family law, and matrimonial law in secular courts and rabbinical courts, with resolution through litigation, mediation, and collaborative law. Ms. Schonfeld is also a trained mediator. Schonfeld & Goldring can be reached at 516-569-5001 or via SchonfeldandGoldring.com.