MindBiz

Work In Progress

By Esther Mann, LCSW

Dear Esther,

Throughout my marriage I have worked, usually three days a week, though at times more. I always felt the obligation to contribute to our bottom line. We are middle-class people and somehow there is always something important that needs to be paid for, an unexpected emergency, or maybe even a little perk here and there. Our oldest son is married and, thank G-d, is doing nicely and is financially independent. Our youngest son is still learning. Our middle child, our daughter, Penina, is married with two young children.

Penina made the decision to be a stay-at-home mom. Theoretically, I think that’s a beautiful thing. I wish I had had that luxury. However, her husband, Zev, does alright financially, but somehow, there always seems to be a shortage of money more often than not. Or if there isn’t a shortage, Penina decides that she must have a new pair of boots or some special contraption for her baby—or something. Somehow, she is always approaching my husband Yank for help.

Let me just say that I’ve always considered myself to be a generous person. Whenever Penina or our other children celebrate a birthday or an anniversary, or when Chanukah rolls around, there is nothing I enjoy more than buying generous gifts. It gives me great joy and satisfaction to make others happy. I usually plan way in advance, save up what I need in order to buy something special, and make it happen.

What’s happening now, however, is different. Yank is a mush of a guy when it comes to Penina. He was never good at saying no to her as she was growing up, and that hasn’t changed now that she’s married. The problem is that I continue to work, yet there still doesn’t seem to be those extra few dollars available for me to spend on things that I’ve been anxious to take care of for years. Here’s a perfect example. We have shades or blinds throughout our home, which were installed over 20 years ago. At this point, practically every room in our house has at least one shade or blind that won’t go up anymore, won’t go down anymore, or doesn’t move at all! It drives me crazy. I take a great deal of pride in our home and like things to look nice. When it starts looking neglected, I get nervous and upset.

I’ve been talking to Yank about replacing these broken items for years. It’s not cheap, but it’s also not a fortune. Yank tells me that it’s fine the way it is, and that he doesn’t have the extra money to spend on replacements. But when Penina tells him that their washing machine broke and they need a new one, somehow Yank finds the money. When I question him about this, he makes me feel as though I don’t love my daughter and grandchildren enough and that I’m being cheap! It’s not like I’m asking for a new piece of jewelry. I just want my house to look nice. I also wouldn’t mind painting the entire place, which hasn’t been done in ages. It’s a big expense, but it’s been overdue for a while now. Again, Yank says that we can’t afford to paint the house now. But somehow I notice that Penina is showing up in a certain brand of boots that I would never splurge on!

I hate how this situation is making me feel. I love our daughter and yet I’m starting to feel a bit resentful or even jealous of her. I know it’s crazy for a mother to envy her daughter. I am also losing respect for both Penina and Yank. I’ve worked hard my entire life, including during my teenage years, and was always able to get what I needed without going to anyone for help. I don’t understand how Penina is not embarrassed to take so much from us, and how she can feel so comfortable not working at our expense. The whole thing doesn’t sit right with me, but I don’t want to be accused of being stingy or unloving.

Is there some way I can get my needs heard and met? I really don’t want this scenario to continue, but I’m afraid to say anything because I don’t want to be viewed across the board as a stingy cheapskate!

Afraid

Dear Afraid,

First, let’s do a little validating here. You are not a cheapskate, you are not stingy, and you are not lacking in generosity. The dynamic you describe—though far from unheard of in our community—is definitely off-kilter. In your gut, you know this to be true. Yet, you are in the minority within your family and so you are second-guessing your instincts and needs and wondering whether there is something you may be missing in all of this. Personally, I don’t think you are missing anything.

As you said, you personally always made the choice to show up financially, because you felt it was your obligation to contribute to your family’s budget in order for you and your family to remain independent. It sounds as though you never made yourself a burden to your own parents or in-laws by refusing to work. You did what you had to do and I’m sure you feel really good about that.

Though no one would deny that being a stay-at-home mom is great, for various reasons, it’s not always possible. The debate over the pros and cons relating to this topic is ongoing, and the jury is still out. We all know plenty of amazing individuals who grew up in a home with two full-time working parents, as well as many individuals who aren’t all that amazing whose mothers met them at the door every day with milk and cookies. Go figure! But what we do know is that a mother who works outside the home—and certainly if she is only working part-time—is most likely not creating too much, if any, hardship for her family.

So it all boils down to choices. If Penina chooses to stay home and not contribute to her family’s income, then she needs to accept the fact that there will be a number of things that she will have to make do without. Fancy boots, special toys, etc., are all unnecessary bonuses that she must be prepared to do without. A broken washing machine needs to be looked at differently. Certain things are emergencies and require special attention. Penina has every right to stay home with her children, but she also must learn how to do with less, since everything comes with a price tag, and this would be the one she has to respect. But you know all of this! What you don’t seem to know is that you have every right to spend your hard-earned money on things that you feel are important to you, without feeling guilty. Your thoughts around how your family’s extra dollars are spent are just as valuable as Yank’s.

Now, you must put all of this out there for Penina to hear. And you must insist that Yank support you and not try to undermine what you have to say either in front of you, or, even worse, behind your back. But first, you and Yank need to discuss and explore what lies behind your actions or inactions. Is Yank afraid that Penina won’t love him in the same way if he tightens the purse strings? Are you afraid that your husband and daughter will think badly of you if you finally replace those awful broken shades? It’s important that you discuss, explore, and resolve these fears, which are no doubt unfounded. Penina won’t love either of you any less if she has to wear last year’s boots this year! And if she would, there is a much bigger problem that we need to be discussing.

Often the pecking order within a family gets confused and patterns emerge that compromise the proper order of things. Somewhere along the way, Yank has forgotten that his wife must always come first. Maybe all he needs is a gentle reminder to get him back on track. Don’t hesitate to be that gentle reminder. And if you need to be a bit less than gentle, so be it! It’s time for you to get your family back on track.

Esther

Esther Mann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist in Hewlett. Esther works with individuals and couples. Together with Jennifer Mann, she also runs the “Navidaters.” She can be reached at mindbiz44@aol.com or 516-314-2295.