Question
I’ve been dating a guy for two years now. We’re both in our thirties. We got engaged in January 2014 and planned to get married that June. At the time, we had a lot of crazy things going on that strained our relationship. Years ago, I had done someone a favor by marrying him, in a civil ceremony only, for his immigration purposes, but nobody knew. In short, my fiancé and I ran around like chickens without heads, trying to get this divorce taken care of. It was a scary situation, but it eventually was resolved in March 2014. Right after that, my fiancé told me that he was having doubts about the wedding, that he wasn’t feeling happy and hadn’t for a while. So the wedding was called off. We stayed together and set a new date for September 2014. He canceled that one too, a month before the wedding. After that, we agreed not to talk weddings anymore and just to continue dating.
It was hard at first. But we made it work, because we love each other and don’t want to separate.
Fast-forward to today. We set another wedding date, for April. A few days ago, as invitations were about to be mailed out, he said he couldn’t go through with it—that he still wasn’t happy. He has seen doctors with me and without me. We don’t have relationship problems, but we fight whenever there’s wedding talk, because of his freaking out. His father and sister both see a therapist regularly and are on medication for depression and anxiety, so I thought it possible that he’s suffering such a condition as well. But he’s in denial and won’t do anything about it. He says it’s not me that’s making him unhappy. He is afraid of failing at our marriage and that he won’t be happy or that I won’t be happy.
Otherwise, we support each other and have fun together. We talk about our future all the time, such as raising children. I’m so lost, and he offers no real explanation.
His last doctor told him he needed to look deep into himself. I found out in January that over the summer, after he had called off the second wedding, he dated another girl. He supposedly told her he had been thinking about her for a long time. I confronted her on Facebook and she told me he said we broke up.
I had seen them texting months before and he assured me I had nothing to worry about. I’m still hurt, more from the fact he didn’t come clean with me and that I had to find out by confronting her.
I’m sure nobody understands why we stay together, and he has asked me how I still love him after all he’s done to me. We want to make it work, but I don’t know if he doesn’t know what the problem is or he just won’t tell me.
Response
By Baila Sebrow
The biggest berachah in your life right now, and the best gift this guy has given you, is clearly articulating his desire not to marry you. This guy has called off a wedding with you not once, but three times! And each time, instead of saying that this guy is a no-goodnik, you come up with excuses for his awful behavior. Every time he re-proposed, you jumped at the opportunity to accept. Undoubtedly, you would do it a fourth time. It seems you have a pattern of wanting to marry guys for the wrong reasons, specifically those with major issues.
Let’s start with your first marriage. Marrying someone only so that he could get his papers is not commonly done today by young religious girls. And in the rare circumstance that a girl would marry a guy as a chesed of this type, it would be with a normal wedding. How you agreed to a private civil ceremony is mind-boggling. That you and your on-again, off-again fiancé both ran around like “chickens without heads” so you could get a divorce is quite the expected outcome.
The relationship you have with this guy is so bizarre that it even has him wondering why you are putting up with what he likely recognizes as abusive behavior. It is no shock to me that you are now in an ongoing dysfunctional relationship. You are following a blueprint for what feels familiar and makes you comfortable. As much as you complain about him, you have accustomed yourself to being treated badly. You convinced yourself that you have a good relationship except that he freaks out about marriage. You may not even realize that this guy is using you and, I am sad to say, has zero intention of ever marrying you.
It sounds like you are expecting to find a solution that would involve a happily-ever-after scenario with this guy in the picture. After all, you love him, and how can you even imagine living without someone you love? The answer is by distinguishing a healthy relationship from a septic one.
There is no such thing as a mainstream perfect relationship. However, there are relationships that are perfect for the two parties involved. The key to a successful relationship starts with communication and respect. When two people are capable of communicating with one another regardless of what may go wrong along the way, they at the very least have mastered the art of making their marriage work. In your case, communication and respect are sorely lacking.
This guy is categorically telling you that he does not want to marry you. He is also playing mind games with you by saying that one of his concerns is that he won’t make you happy. Seriously? Well, if not making you happy means he can go text and date someone behind your back, then he is right. What woman in her right mind would go for something like that?
You insist that you both love and support each other. No. You love him and are willing to support his despicable actions just to keep him in your life. His behavior demonstrates that to him you are his “fallback” girl. When he has no one else, you become his kallah and a wedding date is set. When another female comes along or something else comes up, he suddenly questions his future happiness in being married.
I am sure he professes his love to you quite sincerely. That is a known power tactic such men use on their women to keep them. You believe him, because that is what you want to believe.
That girl he was seeing behind your back is likely not the first of such liaisons, and I guarantee that she will not be the last. I can only imagine the pain you felt when you discovered that the guy you are planning to spend your life with had another girl on his mind. And he wasted little time in getting together with her. The humiliation you felt when you confronted this girl must have devastated every fiber of your being.
This guy is feeding off your codependency on him. Your theory about whether he is suffering from depression like his father and sister has absolutely no bearing on this conversation. I will agree that something is wrong with him, but I am not ready to say that depression is the culprit in his abusive behavior towards you. The cause of this festering relationship is his lack of regard for your feelings. He has no problem telling you that he is not happy with you. And he feels no guilt in lying and cheating.
I will agree with the doctor who says that he needs to look deep within himself, but you should not be part of that viewing. You will never change this guy or his behavior towards you. However, you can make changes in your life—and that starts with saying goodbye to him permanently. I will also recommend that you retain the services of a licensed therapist to ensure that you do not get entangled in unhealthy relationships anymore. You deserve to be happy and accepted, and to be the only woman in the life of the man you will marry.
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com. v
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