Dating Forum
By Baila Sebrow
Question
I gave up on shadchanim a long time ago. They never helped me when I was young, and now for sure they won’t. The only guys they ever redd to me were weirdos. Shadchanim decided what was good for me and what wasn’t. So I started going to a lot of singles events. And even there I have problems with shadchanim.
Why is it that the shadchanim who go to singles events only talk to the men? It doesn’t matter that some of these men have a few ex-wives, are losers with no jobs, or nerds. Just because they are men, they get attention.
And even when I make the effort to talk to these shadchan ladies, they act like they’re doing me a favor, and never call me back with a suggestion. What’s worse is that when I’m at an event and I talk to a guy I’m interested in, they usually butt in and start talking to him about some other girl who is not even at the event.
A few times I called a shadchan who was at an event, asking her to be the go-between for a guy with whom I had a good conversation, and she never even got back to me about that.
What should I do when I go to events to make it easier for me to get a date?
Response
I feel your pain, and I very much understand what you are talking about. I too have at times witnessed shadchanim who specifically only seek out men to interview. Whether inadvertently or intentionally, they may sometimes not give equal attention to the women who are there. For the female participants at those events, that can feel very hurtful. I am certainly not going to defend these shadchanim, but it might be helpful if we were to view it through an objective lens.
The reality in the world of shidduchim is that many shadchanim have a larger clientele of women than men. That’s a fact few can dispute. So they constantly feel the need to go searching for men in order to help the multitude of women they know. They may mean well, but ignoring the women who are standing there watching such action is tactless. And interrupting a conversation you’re have with a guy is highly unprofessional. Which begs the question: how do you know that these ladies are even actual shadchanim?
As singles events have gained popularity in many circles, shadchanim have begun to incorporate them into their practice. Additionally, seeing that it’s good for their business, many promoters of singles events started inviting shadchanim or facilitators to attract those who are seriously looking for a shidduch. The result is that it became the norm to advertise that there will be shadchanim at these events.
That would all be fine and good if they were actual shadchanim. But oftentimes women who have little or no connection to shadchanus began filling spots at those events. Not only that, but the trend evolved so that women who are seeking a shidduch for their own children or other relatives show up to singles events, pen and paper in hand, and engage in conversation with only those singles in whom they have a personal interest.
From what you are describing, it sounds like your experiences are the direct result of so-called shadchanim who probably do not belong at the event in the first place. My advice is that you need choose your future venues as cautiously as one would consider other important issues in life.
I get the sense that your main problem is not how the shadchanim and facilitators conduct themselves at the events you attend. The bigger picture is that you are not meeting men you feel are compatible with you. The questions are why, and what can you do about it?
When young singles embark on the mission of finding their bashert, they typically have an image in their mind about the type of person they wish for themselves. It may be about the personality, looks, family, hashkafah, etc. But life is usually not one-sided. Meaning, just because someone desires to marry a particular kind of person, that does not necessarily mean that type is on board with them. And that is when the problems start. The more the single person insists on dating those they feel they should, the more declines they endure.
Just as a real-estate agent wants to sell a house, a shadchan wants to make a shidduch. Except in rare circumstances, shadchanim have no personal agenda to deliberately refuse to introduce someone to a particular type of person.
You do not indicate what you seek in a man, so I cannot comment how you can be more successful in achieving your personal goal. You can, however, look at yourself and your situation from an objective viewpoint.
You are the only person who truly knows what would make you happy. Bearing that in mind, do you find that when meeting men on your own, achieving compatible dates is easier? You talk about the shadchanim interfering when you speak to a man you are interested in. How about when you meet a man at events where there is no shadchan involved? Do such relationships ever progress for you?
If the answer is yes, then focus your energies on opportunities for meeting men at venues where shadchanim are not part of the programming. If it turns out that you are still encountering challenges, then perhaps you might want to reevaluate your priorities in a potential spouse.
Another option I often recommend to singles who find that they are unsuccessful in attaining their goals in finding a spouse is to broaden their horizons. Look outside the circles you have been searching in until now.
You do not state your age, but I get the feeling that you have been in shidduchim for a while. That cannot be easy. Moreover, the disappointment you must be feeling is surely overwhelming. You talk about being set up with guys whom you describe as “losers.” You also mention that the guys have no jobs. Are they, according to you, “losers” because they have no job, or are they “losers” in addition to not having a job?
People, especially those who are single, tend to use the word “loser” a little too loosely. I have a hunch that might be the case here, because you also follow up by describing the men that shadchanim have thus far introduced you to as “nerds.” I don’t know what you’re thinking of when you refer to a man as a “nerd,” but in most cases it means that the man is not “cool.”
There is nothing wrong with being attracted to a “cool” man or even being one. However, if that is not working for you, here is where you might need to consider increasing your field of vision in your search.
If a man acts weird, that is a certain red flag. Or if a man does not have a job at all, then I can understand your apprehension; parnassah is a major factor where shalom bayis is concerned, as it affects daily life. And unless a woman is ready to take on that responsibility on her own, I can agree with your feelings. But if you consider a good man who may not be the life of the party, or someone whom women don’t swoon over, as a “loser” or “nerd,” then I will tell you that there is a good chance you are not approaching this wisely.
I will further add that in addition to reevaluating your priorities, you might also want to assess how you come across to men. What sort of impression do you make on the men you meet? It would be a good idea to speak to a trusted friend or relative to get an honest appraisal. In order to attract the type of spouse you wish to marry, you need to present as the type of person that he will want to marry. It might mean tweaking something simple, or giving other types of guys a chance too. Many now-married women can attest to that having been the case in their situation. Who knows? Maybe you have been looking for shidduchim in all the wrong places. v
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com. Questions and comments for the Dating Forum can be submitted to 5townsforum@gmail.com.