By Baila Sebrow
Question
I’ve been divorced for a few years. I started dating someone a while ago, but we are both dealing with so many problems that we are wondering how we can make a second marriage work.
I will start with myself. My ex-husband was a very controlling husband. He made an excellent living from his own business, and I lived a life that many other women envied. What they didn’t know was how much I suffered behind closed doors. So even though we had children together, I asked for a get, and he gave it to me.
But he still exercises control over me, because he started giving me financial problems. My ex’s business is mostly cash, and on the books he shows very little earnings. So, even though everyone knows my ex is rich, the judge did not order him to give my children and me all that much. We manage to get by with help from different places.
This guy I am dating knows all about what’s going on. He is not happy with my situation, but he is willing to deal with it. He is also divorced with children. His problem is that he is too involved with his ex-wife. She calls him all the time, and he goes running over the minute she needs something. He is very generous with her, and even gives her money when she wants to buy something for herself.
I am scared to complain to him, because I do not want to lose him. Also, I know that he is worried about my situation with my ex-husband. What can you advise us to do? I know so many people whose second marriages did not work out. I really do not want to be alone anymore. That is no way to live.
Response
My concern is that you fear complaining to this man—whom you are considering marrying—about something that is troubling you. There is something very wrong with that. You should not be afraid of losing him because you do not like a situation he is involved in, especially when those circumstances make you feel uncomfortable. I do, however, understand where you are coming from.
It sounds like you had a harrowing experience in your first marriage. What you are going through now is, sadly, quite common. You left a marriage that looked good to outsiders, only to find yourself destitute. Working off the books, this “clever” ex-husband of yours claims poverty, and no one is any the wiser—or so he thinks. He and so many others like him manage to beat the system, at least for a time. Even if you have previously done so, you might want to address this issue with someone well versed in such matters of the law.
I will assume that this new man in your life is generous with you. I will also assume that although he is not too keen on having to fully support you and your children in the future, he is still willing to go ahead with it. Feeling fortunate to have a man like that in your life, you are afraid to “rock the boat” by complaining about his unusual relationship with his ex-wife.
That his ex-wife keeps calling him all the time is very telling; she is likely not over her divorce. Her reaching out for help is her way to keep him in her life, even if it may be for short spurts of time. As unpleasant as it is for you, I am sure that as a single mother like her, you can understand her position. But that doesn’t mean that you have to put up with being one of two women in his life.
It is possible that the man you are dating has a lot of compassion for his ex-wife. She might not be dealing well with being a single mother. Aside from the financial difficulties that you are familiar with, there are emotional aspects that some divorced women struggle with. And it could be that helping her buy personal items is his way of making her feel better about herself.
I don’t know how much he shared with you about his previous marriage and the details that led to his divorce. The answers would probably explain the current dynamics in their relationship. But you have to start developing the sense of security needed to ask him to explain the things that bother you. If you allow your resentment to fester, that cannot lead to happy endings.
From your letter, it sounds like there might be more issues surrounding what you have disclosed. Here is what you need to know, and if this man is wondering the same thing, then it applies to him as well.
In the best of circumstances, remarriage comes with concerns. No one starts off with a clean slate. People bring every unresolved conflict—and even the seemingly settled ones—into the new life they hope to create with their second spouse. The question is how to make it work. In the first place, when there are children in the picture, their needs come above everyone else’s. There is no compromising there. And that is also a key answer to why a second marriage may fail—because the couple is not bound by any shared children to induce them to remain in a marriage that is less than satisfying.
A typical major hurdle to overcome is that the ex-spouse needs to accept that life has moved on for their former partner. Moreover, the spouse who is in a new relationship has to know how to set boundaries and not allow his previous life to become entwined with his new life.
You already see for yourself how the ex-wife of this man is always reaching out for help. Whether it is greed on her part, or her desperate need to have contact with him, the way things are going, your relationship will continue to remain complicated. This man needs to recognize that he is part of an unhealthy pattern and must figure out a way to put a stop to it. And even then, he might feel that he is being pulled in two different directions.
You are correct that many remarriages end in divorce. There are multiple reasons for it, and each case is different. Sometimes it is the result of repeating past mistakes with regard to marrying the same type of personality as the first spouse, or similar behavior on one’s own part the second time around as the first.
People sometimes make the same mistakes more than once, because it is what they know and are used to. It is not uncommon for someone to be in multiple abusive or controlling relationships. They might blame their bad luck, but if you examine such situations it becomes evident that the writing was already on the wall. Unless one learns to recognize and avoid the unhealthy prototypes in a potential spouse, there is little doubt that the second marriage will resemble the first.
And that is what I am worried about where it pertains to your current relationship. You say that your ex-husband controlled you, and you allude to possible abuse while you were married to him. Now that you are divorced from him, his leaving you and your children destitute is abusive and makes you feel helpless. Dating a man who is still attached to his ex-wife—whether it is because he is a nice guy and feels bad for the mother of his children, or because he has feelings for her—is causing you to feel helpless again. And yet although this has been going on for a while, you are considering marrying him. From what I gather, though I could be wrong, you are probably more afraid of being alone than marrying someone who will not be able to give you what you need in a marriage. And that is a perfect example of why a second marriage has the potential to fail.
My advice is that you must find a way to bring up all your concerns before you commit any further in the relationship. If you do not have the courage to do so on your own, reach out for professional help and guidance. I will leave you with this: Couples that are capable of working through conflict, even major ones, stand a greater chance of a successful marriage.
Baila Sebrow is president of Neshoma Advocates, communications and recruitment liaison for Sovri-Beth Israel, executive director of Teach Our Children, and a shadchanis. She can be reached at Bsebrow@aol.com. Questions and comments for the Dating Forum can be submitted to 5townsforum@gmail.com.