By Mordechai Schmutter
As Yidden, we sure get comments from a lot of people who look at us and say things like “You’re praying again? You just ate!” or, “Wait, you’re doing what with a chicken? Well, does the chicken have to say the prayer, too?”
But it’s really unfair. Because if you look around, every country has laws that are weirder than anything we do. The only difference is that most of these are laws that no one’s aware of. In fact, breaking most of these laws will not actually get you in trouble, unless the cop is an anti-Semite.
Here are a bunch of them. [Editor’s note: We’re not sure how many of these are real laws, current or past. Apparently there’s no law against promulgating fake laws.] How many of these have you broken without even realizing?
I got 12.
- In England, if you find a washed-up dead whale, its head belongs to the reigning monarch. That also means you can’t personally remove the whale from the beach. I guess the monarch has to.
- In Vermont, it’s illegal to disguise your horse. (“Well, how am I supposed to get it on the train?”) What kind of disguise would a horse have to wear for people not to realize it’s a horse? Is there a costume that makes it look like two humans?
- In Oregon, you cannot transport more than 20 bales of hay at once without a transportation certificate that says, among other things, what type of hay you’re transporting. And if, before reading this law, you were unaware that there was more than one type of hay (“Regular Hay”), this law is not for you.
- In the 1980s, Romanian leader Nicolae Ceausescu banned the game of Scrabble because it was “subversive and evil.” It is. You wait for the better part of a ta’anis for your opponent to play with his letters, and he comes back with something that neither of you were aware is a word, but he stumbled across it in the dictionary and it hits every “triple word score” on the board. Also, in Romania they have words with like 8 consonants in a row, so, yeah, Scrabble is pretty evil.
- In England, it’s illegal to be drunk while in charge of a horse or a cow. Which is probably what got you to decide to put it in a Purim costume.
- In North Dakota, it’s illegal to clone humans, “intentionally or knowingly.” But if you accidentally stumble into a whole field of undiscovered science, then it’s OK.
- In Singapore, it’s illegal to sell or import gum. Unless you have a medical prescription for it. Chewing gum is a disgusting habit anyway. People keep blowing bubbles while you’re trying to talk to them.
- In England, it’s illegal to die in the houses of parliament. (But if you do, your head belongs to the reigning monarch.) The law came about because having dead people lying around parliament can be confusing, because several of the members already look like they’re dead.
- You cannot illegally import skunks into Tennessee. (Without a note from your doctor.)
- A 2007 law in China makes it illegal for Buddhist monks to reincarnate without prior government approval. It’s probably the overpopulation laws.
- In Rosemead, California, it’s illegal to eat ice cream in public with a fork. If you want to eat ice cream with a fork, have some decency—at least don’t do it in public.
- Also, in California, it’s illegal to eat an orange in your bathtub. (“In public?” “No, anywhere.”) This law was passed around 1920, when people believed that the citric acid would combine with the bath oils and create a highly explosive mixture. And where are you putting the peels? Also, how are they enforcing this? Also, this means I can still eat oranges in the shower, right?
- In New York, on elevators, “One must talk to no one and fold his hands while looking toward the door.” Talking to no one is always a great idea. No good conversation has ever started in an elevator. But at least now we know why everyone faces the door. It’s not just to make it weird for the next person who comes in and tries to find room to stand with everyone in the elevator staring at him.
- In England, under the Salmon Act of 1986, it’s illegal to handle salmon in a suspicious manner. Whatever that means. Luckily, I live in America, where I can suspiciously handle salmon all I want. (Do they mean eating just the head?)
- In Canada, it’s illegal to scare the queen (who lives in England). So bringing her that whale head unannounced—just leaving it on her throne and hoping she finds it before she sits down—is out of the question.
- In Alabama, masks may not be worn in public. Well, why on earth would you wear a mask in private?
- In Kansas, pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear taillights. And then, I guess, cross the highway sideways, facing away from traffic.
- In Alaska, it’s illegal to wake a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph. (“Smile!” “I don’t smile before my coffee.”)
- In Rhode Island, any marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or a lunatic is null and void.
- In Missouri, you cannot drive your car with an uncaged bear inside. For the purpose of taking a photograph.
- In Quitman, Georgia, it’s illegal for chickens to cross a road. Also, cars are not allowed to drive on the sidewalk. The two laws might be related. (“Why did the chicken cross the road?” “Because the car was driving on the sidewalk.” “Oh. Was it at least wearing taillights?”)
- In Arizona, donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs. This law came about in the 1920s, when someone let his donkey sleep in an abandoned tub on his property, and then one day the nearby dam broke and the donkey was washed down the river and got stuck, and the town spent a considerable amount of resources and manpower to save it before they said, “This is the last time.”
- In Georgia, donkeys cannot even be kept in bathtubs. Fish? Sure, why not. But not donkeys. Unless you want to have to share your orange every time.
- In Arkansas, alligators may not be kept in bathtubs. Well, that one goes without saying.
- In Mobile, Alabama, it’s prohibited to bathe in city fountains. (“What? There’s a donkey eating an orange in my bathtub.”)
- In Arkansas, if you must walk your cow down a public highway, you may not blindfold it first. (“Yeah, but then he’s going to find his way back!”)
- In Portland, Oregon, it’s illegal to wear roller skates in the bathroom. This is not a dumb law.
- In Arizona, when being attacked by a criminal or a burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses. Fair is fair. What burglar carries pepper spray?
- In Indianapolis, one may throw a stone at a bird only in self-defense. Like if the bird started it.
- In Dunn, North Carolina, it’s illegal to drive cars through city cemeteries for pleasure. I don’t know what kind of pleasure you’re getting out of this. Is it a chol ha’moed trip? Point is, you can only do it for business.
- In Elkhart, Indiana, it’s illegal for barbers to threaten to cut off kids’ ears. Doing it by accident is OK.
- In Virginia, roadkill may be taken home for supper. (“What are we having?” “Chicken.”)
- In Canton, Ohio, if you lose your pet tiger, you must notify the authorities within one hour. You can’t just hang flyers and wait for things to play out.
- In Glendale, California, one may not take his dog on an elevator with him. But if one does, the two of them must not talk—they must fold their hands and look toward the door.
So, looking at these laws, the first thing that comes to mind is, “No wonder our prisons are overcrowded.”
But the second thing that comes to mind is that whenever we start to think that we have a lot of laws, as Yidden, at least they’re all rooted in logic. We don’t always understand it, but we trust in the One who passed these laws that they’re all for our own good and as relevant today as they were when they were given. Unlike, say, the law about mailing whale heads to the monarch.
Sure, maybe some of these laws made sense when people came up with them. The government officials aren’t going through the long, arduous process of adding laws just for fun. They’re doing it to get reelected.
“Yeah, let’s reelect him—the guy who made it illegal to tie an elephant, a goat, or an alligator to a parking meter in Florida without feeding the meter.”
(This is also a real law. Except on Sundays.)
But now it’s years later and the laws are outdated but they’re still on the books because no one ever cleaned shop and said things like, “You know? No one really has pet tigers anymore . . .” Also, when did people ever have pet tigers in America? Was that a thing? And why did they never teach that in history class? I know I would have paid attention to that.
Point is, everyone who remembers why these laws are laws is long gone. Unless they expect to reincarnate—with prior government approval, of course.
Mordechai Schmutter is a weekly humor columnist for Hamodia and is the author of five books, published by Israel Book Shop. He also does freelance writing for hire. You can send any questions, comments, or ideas to MSchmutter@gmail.com.
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